The past few weeks were not easy at all. Throwing my hands up in the air at many times, praying that Jesus would stop the mayhem in my life, but still walking out the door as if there is not a thing wrong in my world, with my “I’m Fine” sign in hand.
I have a secret, but for many of you who truly know me well, it’s probably no secret at all and you are going to be nodding your head up and down through this post saying “Leah, this is no secret. We’ve known this about you for forever!” But regardless, here’s my secret…
I have these walls. They’re metaphorical walls, not real walls of course, that I seem to have safe harbored around myself. It’s hard for me to explain elements of my past that have resulted in these walls, but none-the-less they are there. They keep people from coming in and they hide my insecurities, my fears, my emotions from the outside world. I’m so used to fixing everything so it looks all neat and pretty on the outside, tie a bow around it and voilà, everything is all better. And every time I fix something and hide the rest on the inside, my walls get higher and stronger. Well, this deployment has been painful and beautiful all at the same time, and has given me the opportunity to allow God truly in to chip away at my walls.
I’ve been thinking about this for weeks now. I’ve been noticing a change in myself. We’ve been talking about this a lot at church, and I’m certain that my pastor’s sermons are so obviously about me…I just know they are! I wrote a message to my pastor after church on Sunday letting him know a few of my thoughts and opening up to some insights I’ve been having and I wrote the following to him.
“You know how Joshua had to walk around the city of Jericho all those times for the walls to come down, with the seven times on the last day? Sometimes I wonder how many times God has walked around my walls, that I've put up, to bring them down? I'm so grateful for His mercy and love that He would do that just for me.”
I’m learning and growing and I am having a major demolition party as my walls come tumbling down. I know I’m not the only one out there with these walls. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy to go through this process though. I’m a stubborn woman stuck in my ways. I know I will stumble and by instinct my walls will go back up, but they won’t be as strong and will come down much easier.
So join the demolition party folks. Tear down the walls and get rid of the stuff standing in your way of having that closer relationship with Jesus. No hard hats needed, just an open heart to what Jesus has in store for us.