Sunday, September 30, 2012

An Epiphany


Weekly Recap:
I know, from experience, that the first few weeks are the hardest.  It’s not that being apart gets any easier, it’s just that you get used to it.  Monday was a rough one, so I’m glad I took a personal day from work.  I think we spent so much time trying to get everything in, that Monday was the day where it all caught up with me.  I took Trent to his Unit Monday evening/Tuesday morning at 1:00 am.  The families were allowed to stay until the busses came to take them to the airport around 4:00ish.  But, I only stayed until about 3:30 am.  I find it easier to be the one to leave, than to watch someone leave me.  It was the right choice for me.

Tuesday, another personal day, I spent the day resting and doing little things.  I took the girls to preschool, as I wanted them to stay in routine.  They had a week of adjustments.  They both are actually doing fairly well, in my opinion.  They definitely act out, but that is to be very expected.  Their preschool teachers are keeping a close eye on them for me. 

I went back to work on Wednesday.  My teammates held me together during the rest of the week, as the first two days I felt as though I was just trying to keep my head above water.  They armed me with lots of chocolate and supporting words.  My kids were rock stars this week.  I’ve been very honest with them about the deployment, and they were awesome for my sub (who is also a rock star, by the way) and for me when I returned. 

Trent is hanging out at Ft. Bliss.  Skyping with him makes things so much better.  The girls love it and think it’s neat that they can sing songs to Daddy on the computer.  They keep trying to get him to sing too, but they have not succeeded yet.  I’m sure they’ll try again tonight.  :) 


Problem:
I need an outlet, or I get way to emotional.  This blog helps tremendously, but I only have the time to really sit down and write down my thoughts and compile them into this blog once a week (if that, sometimes).  I feel bad venting to people aloud, because it makes me feel like a Negative Nancy or a Boohoo Betty (yes, I made that one up.) 


Solution:
On Wednesday, I went to Wal-Mart and bought a journal.  I’ve never really been one to journal.  This blog is the closest thing I’ve ever gotten to journaling before.  It’s not an “I’m going to Dear Diary it every night” kind of journal, but just a notebook for me to carry around and literally jot a one liner down of something that happened, a thought I had, etc.  So far, I like it.  I only have 1 1/2 pages filled.  I merely write my thought and then skip a line until the next one comes along.  Here is my most useful thought for this week.  Which amazingly enough, was also a part of our sermon today too.  (How weird is that??)

~Am I afraid of what other’s think of me?
This may seem like an odd thing to write in a journal or contemplate, but I found myself this week trying to act like I had it all together.  Newsflash folks…I don’t.  So why do people, this includes myself, feel that we have to pretend to be so strong.  I am far from strong, but by the end of this thing, I hope to have learned so much that I truly am stronger and so much closer to my gracious God.  I had this epiphany this week on Thursday evening, “Yes, I am weak, my life is in disarray, I am undoubtedly confused, and it is so completely ok that I am all these things right now.”  I don’t have to put up this front like I have it all figured out.  The relief you feel, when you stop pretending, is beyond measure.  You should try it sometime, too.

2 comments:

  1. I just have absolutely no way to know what you are feeling or what your family is going through - so I'm not going to pretend that I do and say: "I know how you feel." I can imagine your emotions, your fears, your frustrations and your loneliness, but I don't KNOW how you feel. I will just continue to let you know that your entire family is in my prayers - because I know that God KNOWS! He knows all of your struggles and He is there to succor you in those times when you feel you can't take another step. I know you have that kind of relationship with Him - let Him take the reins for a day or two when you can't do it anymore - and allow others to serve you. Hugs to you and the girls - love you!

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  2. I knew it was only a matter of time before you started carrying around a "thought journal"...aka "writer's notebook". I always have one in my purse. Hang in there...I'm only a phone call away and you know niceities (sp?) aren't necessary.

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